Every Day I’m Strugglin’

And I wish that it weren’t so. I am currently 6.5 months pregnant with our little miracle Jaxon Norman. He is all that he should be; growing wonderfully. At a time when I should be elated; my lack of medication has me feeling less than. My kids are doing the same ol’ things kids do at their ages; but I’m so frustrated that everything feels like a direct failure on my end.

My days are dragging, I’m exhausted in ways that I can’t even describe. Trying to partake in my daily activities of living takes so much energy that by mid day I am ready to pass out. I know some of this is pregnancy woes; but I’ve been doing this depression waltz for so long that I know that’s what most of this is.

I am not comfortable starting my meds until I’m at least 8 months. Jax is still developing; since the studies on Wellbutrin are inconclusive and they don’t really know if it affects heart, brain, or lung development, I can’t in good conscious take it. Not after my last loss.

I find myself beyond overwhelmed by the problems of my family members that live with me though they aren’t my problems. My life is not how I envision nor want it to be and it sucks that anyone else can have an effect on that. My temper is so short I stay silent to avoid outbursts or blow ups.

People don’t understand the duality that exists within me. My ability to smile in public but feel like I am being tortured on the inside.

I am existing. I am not living. And this idea alone is enough to bring me to my knees and straight to tears these days. I wish I could make it go away.

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