I should have known today was going to be a doozy; I overslept. My husband offered to take me to work; and along the way I managed to make a fight out of something silly he said. I was enraged…and hurt…and tearful…over nothing. I broke a CD. I text him angrily and skulked into work like a brat. It’s days like these that really make me hate myself. But then I have to remember…days like these I’m not myself.
The whole day my brain was scattered. The work was in front of me but my eyes just couldn’t seem to find their focus. I am pretty certain I didn’t perform at my best level of excellence today. All day my mind kept traveling to the dark places where I can’t find the good in anything…and I almost threw myself the pity party of all times. But I forced myself to think: “What is it that’s so bad?” I couldn’t come up with a valid reason…and I listened to the wheels turn in my mind trying to make a reason.
I hate when it gets like this. I know without a doubt it’s time to change meds. I called the psych on my lunch break to schedule an appointment; but of course the office was on lunch so I could reach no one. I was dreading the ride home on the train…being around people when I’m like this makes me break out into hives. I text my husband and asked him to wade into the rush hour traffic, drive downtown to get me at 5. He agreed. He agreed even after I was a jack ass this morning. I couldn’t fight the tears…and I text an apology…and he told me he understood. And I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
He understood. He understood why I was a complete moron. All I could think is…”He really loves me. Or he’s really crazy”
It’s been a rough day. All I wanna do is sleep. I pray tomorrow be better.