It seems not too long ago I was begging for some mental relief. My seesawing emotions had me hanging on to reality by a thread. My how welcomed this relatively peaceful space and time in my life is. This is not perfection by far; I still find myself having tearful episodes throughout the week. However, it’s not as pervasive as it had been in the past.
I think I’ve finally reached a level of comfort at my job. The anxiety isn’t so high, and if I go to bed early enough I’m pretty cheerful by the time I’ve had my first cup of coffee. I have even been designated additional responsibilities which lets me know I’m doing a good job. There are these ladies at my job who grind my gears because they gossip instead of work; and more than a few times my name has been slipped into their mess. I remind myself how insignificant they are to my paycheck and I get over it.
My kids finally seem to be taking their foot off the guilty gas pedal and adjusting to my daytime absence. I’ve taken to watching my favorite 80’s movies with my daughter and that has allowed us a unique bonding opportunity. Thank God for small favors!
There are still days that I think about Jordan. Days I wonder how she would look right now; she’d be between 3 and 4 months. I allow myself to daydream about her…how she would smell, how curly her hair would be on her chubby brown face, and how she’d gurgle and spit for me in a special little way. I sleep and I get to have her…and when I wake up I realize how much I miss her…and those mornings are the rough mornings. The mornings that start with tears and take an extra little push from my husband to start the days. Those are the mornings I crave for better emotional stability. Or perhaps I want to be a little less emotional.
I recently celebrated my anniversary with my husband. It was the most magnificent weekend I’ve had in a long while. I look forward to having many more with him. I’m glad I was able to see beyond my own clouds and let him shine on me.
If I were to sum up my life right now; I’d say I’m somewhere on the cusp of existing and living…if that makes any sense. And if it doesn’t….wouldn’t be any different than any other time in my life.
Until we meet again…