My absence is an indication of my struggle. I am not always able to write cohesive sentences to describe the turmoil of my depression. I pray, I meditate and I take my medication. This does not guarantee a continuous flow of peace. Sometimes my emotional thought process is disrupted by my minds incessant need to foil my healthiness.
I am not happy now that I’ve returned to work, I find myself lacking the peace of mind I had while I was able to focus solely on raising the children. I hope that circumstances align so that I can have that balance back.
I still think about my lost pregnancy, it still haunts me, it still grips my heart like a vice and squeezes the breath from my chest. But I smile so people do not worry, so that my husband does not fret, so that my mother can heal from surgery and juggle her own needs with no worry of mine.
I gained 40 + lbs…I am not attempting to change that; I’ve lost 11 so far.
These are the things that are happening at the moment.