I Will Sleep This Off

Today was just one of those days that I could have gone without. Literally from the time I woke up I’ve felt on edge…tearful and to be honest for the first time in awhile I had a suicidal thought or two…no plans though…more like…”I wish I could just sleep forever and not wake up…” I don’t know what it is that I cannot shake about this last pregnancy…why it eats me up the way it does. Why the thought  of her little lifeless body on the ultrasound seems to be engrained in my brain.

Some days I just sob…and sob and sob…and pull it together. Today…I almost went back to bed and took a couple of pain pills to sleep it off. I didn’t though…I wrapped myself up in the duties of motherhood and pretended to exist. I don’t know…therapy…meds….prayer…it doesn’t heal….it just helps me cope…and today I felt like I was barely coping. And that makes me feel inadequate…and the inadequacy eats at me like acid…just corrosive to my soul…

I don’t even know what to type. I’m going to bed.

Good night.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I Will Sleep This Off

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s