Today was just one of those days that I could have gone without. Literally from the time I woke up I’ve felt on edge…tearful and to be honest for the first time in awhile I had a suicidal thought or two…no plans though…more like…”I wish I could just sleep forever and not wake up…” I don’t know what it is that I cannot shake about this last pregnancy…why it eats me up the way it does. Why the thought of her little lifeless body on the ultrasound seems to be engrained in my brain.
Some days I just sob…and sob and sob…and pull it together. Today…I almost went back to bed and took a couple of pain pills to sleep it off. I didn’t though…I wrapped myself up in the duties of motherhood and pretended to exist. I don’t know…therapy…meds….prayer…it doesn’t heal….it just helps me cope…and today I felt like I was barely coping. And that makes me feel inadequate…and the inadequacy eats at me like acid…just corrosive to my soul…
I don’t even know what to type. I’m going to bed.