Most days I know that I’m in for a fight. The periods of being emotionally grounded are few and far between. This season always, always, ALWAYS sucks! I know it, I’ve known it for some time now. And no matter how much I know this, it never feels like I am ever quite prepared properly. I’m on the medications, I’m going to therapy, I say my prayers, I communicate with my loved ones; but there’s still a chaotic emptiness (oxymoron right?) that prevails.
I look forward to the spring time, I just fare better during that season. Something about just the right amount of warmth, blooming flowers, and the sweet smell of rebirth is just what I need to help me get over the hump. Don’t get me wrong, spring time doesn’t bring perfection, I still have depression, but it’s just not as bad.
The closer I get to February, the more I feel that sadness gnawing on me from the inside out. I would be approximately 8 months along right now. It’s as if my body knows this, and it’s crying out. This is the first menses cycle I’ve had since the delivery (thanks to depo), and the pain has been excruciating. Apparently because I had scar tissue removed via laparoscopic surgery it can do things to the body and create more painful cramps. Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t worse than the adhesion that was already occurring.
I try not to be negative. I still indulge in my children and their growth and try to focus on my marriage; but sometimes this pain feels all-consuming. I feel like I have two personalities, like there are different parts of me functioning at different times. There’s the nurturing mother, doting housewife who loves her family. But then somewhere creeping along the edges of that personality is a much darker person. It’s like the pull between good and evil. I know that in all literal and psychological terms I don’t suffer from split personalities. I don’t black out and I don’t do things I don’t remember. I just think that there is a duality that lies in all humans. It’s a matter of balance that keeps us from tipping to far to one side or another.
I keep sane by reminding myself that I’ve survived SO much more than I ever thought I could, from childhood into adulthood. I remember that there is always a lesson in the pain, a silver lining in every cloud, a good day for every bad, and above all else I am loved; even when I am not capable of doing it myself.
That’s not too shabby of a deal if I do say so myself.