I Am in the Fight of My Life

Yes. That title may seem so dramatic; but to someone like myself who struggles with depression, you know exactly how accurate it is. Now is the time for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) to rear it’s ugly head. As if having Major Depressive Disorder weren’t enough, I would have it coupled with another type of depression that is exacerbated by the colder weather and seasonal changes. *insert me pulling out my hair*. Couple this with the whole never being able to have a baby again; it’s the perfect storm for my emotional undoing.

A couple of positive factors though. 1.) My psychiatrist saw the need to preemptively increase my med dosage weeks ago because she knew how bad it could get. Thank God for her insight. 2.) My husband is a wonderful wonderful support system, despite my best efforts sometimes to push him away. 3.) Despite how my children drive me bananas, their presence is a wonderful, therapeutic measure for me. 4.) My mother’s love is always a 25 minute car ride or phone call away. Despite our many personality differences, I no longer question my mother’s desire to see me succeed and that means the world to me.

I wish that depression were as easy as flipping a light switch and saying “I’m all better now!” Unfortunately it’s not. The more I want to get better, the more work it is that I have to do. My happiness will not be handed to me. My healing will not be served on a platter. I have to aggressively combat the negative thoughts and emotions. I have to go to war with my fears, my guilt, my perceived failures and my real ones. There is no taking a break from my fight. I’m in constant battle. And every day at the end of my night I take a deep breath and assess my day. I let myself permeate in my accomplishments for the day because that can be the defining line between my sleep and my next morning taking a nose dive into oblivion or staying afloat.

My word of advice to my fellow soldiers: DO NOT GIVE UP. No matter how easy it may seem. No matter how tired you are. No one is going to fight harder than you for your mental survival.

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