Sterilizing Hope

I find myself avoiding this blog whenever I begin to feel emotionally inept. Then I have to remind myself that this is exactly why I started this blog. As therapy, as a release, as a way to capture my journey thru life with depression. I visited with my therapist yesterday and I gotta say I really like this doctor. She seemed a bit young at first; like our age difference wasn’t that much. However, once she began talking I just valued and appreciated her style. She is a straight shooter, no nonsense type of woman and I like that in any person.

My dosage on Wellbutrin (bupropion) was increased from 150mg to 300mg in preparation for my SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder)b which usually flares up in November. And perhaps even more necessary because November 14th I go in for my Essure procedure. For those not familiar, Essure is a form of contraceptive, more accurate it’s a form of sterilization. Back in August when I lost my baby I was told getting pregnant again or carrying to full term is a detriment to my health and could even cost me my life. The rational and logical part of me knows that this procedure is meant to protect me. But the mother, the maternal, nurturing side of me is so angry and hurt that I have to go thru with this.

I am a mother already. I was blessed to have two children despite physical attributes that say I shouldn’t have been able. For whatever reason, my children arrived and I don’t regret that ever. I guess it’s the experience of carrying life within me, the joy in watching them grow that has caused this desire to nurture to burn so brightly. To know that in just a few short weeks that burning light will be put out permanently has caused me a bit of pain.

It doesn’t feel that long ago that I was pregnant, because it wasn’t. Many days I think about Jordan and how far along I’d be. At this time I’d be around 5 or 6 months. My belly would be protruding and I would feel her kicks and tumbles and rolls within me. And it makes me sad…it makes me feel angry and resentful and bitter. And that bitterness scares me most. I have endured so much in my life, this, this should not be the thing that jades my person.

But I am sad…and I don’t think there’s much of anything that is going to change that any time soon.

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