A few years ago, had someone told me that being an at home mom was in my future I would have probably scoffed then laughed wholeheartedly. Yes, it’s something that secretly I always wanted to do but was not of the belief that it would ever really happen. Now that I’m here in the midst of being at home mom I am learning so many things about myself, my qualities and the behaviors of my children.
I spend quite a lot of time by myself, alone in my thoughts. My husband works and does not come home until well into the evening and my children are all out the door by 8:00 AM. That gives me about 6.5 hours before the first child arrives home. This is the time that I use to clean up, run errands, write and self reflect. The last few weeks have been full of mixed emotions; really me just being overly emotional.
I find myself feeling overwhelmed with appreciation for the children I have no matter how much they stress me sometimes. Lately, all I do is think about my husband, what led us to where we’re at and how we almost lost it all. I just want, to be happy and enjoy what I have. What’s difficult is that my depression is there, maybe not as loud as it used to be because I’m taking my meds,but definitely still there. It’s as if I’m afraid to enjoy the happy feelings, waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. Waiting for some misfortune to come around the bend.
When I got pregnant this last time I decided to let go, be happy and enjoy…and BOOM! I was met by my baby’s death. I know it’s cliche to believe that I am destined for bad luck especially since I don’t believe in luck. I wish that I could rewire my brain sometimes. Think differently, feel differently. I feel like I am sabotaging my good lot right now; and I never want to feel or behave in an ungrateful manner. I recognize what I have…and I consider it all a blessing.
Just wish that my emotions could level out and my brain could catch up.