Earlier this evening I found myself in the midst of a mini anxiety attack when I started contemplating my life and career choices and all the things I could have done differently. I found myself suddenly feeling useless…worthless and unfulfilled in a puddle of tears. I began to talk to my husband about what my frustrations were and through conversation with him I was able to come to a calm and leveled place.
The more we talked the more I became cognizant of another particular bad habit of mine that I’ve had for some time. I am never really satisfied. Literally, I cannot think of a time in my life when I’ve been completely content with the choices and decisions I’ve made. Talking with my partner tonight allowed me to explore some elements of myself and perhaps bring some of my mental notes to my next therapy appointment.
No one can tear down a depressed person more than a depressed person can tear down themselves. I can accomplish some of the greatest feats and still find a way to point out all of flaws and things I could have done differently. I had to really pause and reassess myself when I realized I was crying about not having any direction or any career goals so to speak. My husband pointed out that I am an at home mom who was dedicating most of my time to my children and was reaping the benefits of that through their behavior and school performance.
He also pointed out that I had just picked up a writing job that allowed me to work from home and still be able to be there for my kids which is what I’ve been wanting for years. And yes, I’d like to be heavily involved in the advocacy of mental illness and our youth and even adults but I have no college degree for that. My husband pointed out there were alternative ways for me to give back and by even keeping this blog and posting my personal struggle with mental illness I was doing just that.
I had to give myself a reality check tonight and learn that I need to be way more appreciative of the things I have going for me and on in my life. I have certainly visited the dark side a million times over in my depression career and I’d really like to not go back there. I was on the edge but he pulled me back and I am so glad that he did. Having someone to talk to is so very important when you are depressed. It is far to easy to slip into that state of self loathing and irrationality and even harder to come out of when you are trying to go it alone.
My word of advice for the road? Talk to someone; anyone that you can feel comfortable enough and safe enough with to divulge your brains dirty little inner workings. Albeit your mate, a sibling, parent, guidance counselor, therapist, a best friend, a parishioner, a doctor just ANYONE; please do it. You do not have to juggle your mind and your thoughts by yourself; it really is that simple.