As I find myself smack dab in the middle of pursuing something I’ve been passionate about my whole entire life as a career; I feel…saddened. What should be an exciting time is being clouded by a nasty little trait of mine; self doubt. It took me a long time to arrive at a place of contentment and self acceptance with myself; it took me an even longer time to recognize that I could achieve the things that I put my mind to.
Today while on my first writing assignment for a wonderful magazine Under 30 and Following the Vision; I found myself surrounded by a room full of young (mostly black) professionals under the age of 30 all with their own start up companies. It was hard not to feel that familiar feeling of self loathing. I was the high school dropout…the teen mom…the loud, boisterous girl who never knew when to be quiet. And as I sat there stewing awhile I had to remind myself that I was the only one thinking these things about myself. I also had to think about the fact that despite the fact that I was at some point a high school dropout teenage mom who was homeless; I am 10 years almost eleven away from those days.
Yes, I’ve made major flaws along this journey but I don’t think I’ve turned out half bad. I’m a mother of two beautiful, smart and intelligent children, a wife to a loving and nurturing husband, and too many I am a voice of wisdom, nurture and comfort. I’ve had the pleasure of having careers in the legal and social services field with no major degrees to speak of. I’ve recently moved to another state and have begun my journey into my writing career. Despite struggling with mental health illness and my own recent loss; I am managing to thrive despite that. Life ain’t too shabby and I needed to remind myself of that today.
I know that I will never live the life of a young up and coming professional who is single and childless because that time has flown past me. BUT, what I can accomplish is utilizing my experiences and lending my voice to uplift and build up my community and inspire other people with my story in hopes that at least one person can understand the significance and value in self love. I have a goal I’m aspiring to and I know that if I continue to focus I’ll be fine as long as I don’t allow that poisonous self doubt to take root in my heart and spread it’s cancer elsewhere through me.
Today I almost lost the battle…but I didn’t. Take that self doubt.