Free Falling Into Depression

I avoided coming here for a few days because I knew to do so was to have to acknowledge one of my greatest fears come true. On August 25th, 2014 I went to a routine prenatal visit only to discover that my baby…my little one…the angel I so desperately was seeking to bring into this world; was no longer living. It’s heart gave out… I knew immediately something was wrong when the doctor couldn’t locate the heartbeat on his sonar; and it was as if a ton of bricks was dropped onto my chest when I saw the lifeless baby on the ultrasound confirming that I’d be reliving this nightmare yet again for the second time in a year.

I wish I could find fluid or artistic words to accurately describe the anguish that consumes me right now. I wish I could pen a million pieces of beautiful prose and hundreds of eloquent stanzas in poetry form to ease  myself through the grief…but all I have is a whole bunch of anger and a whole bunch of hurt and insatiable desire to close my eyes and not wake at all.

I’ve spent the last 48 hours pouring myself into my children and trying not to succumb to the desire of self harm. My husband is not yet here so there is minimal comfort he can give through video chat and over the phone. I lay awake at night willing a miracle to occur…waiting for any fetal movement any twinge to tell me that the doctors were wrong and my baby…my baby whom I saw dancing and moving just 2 weeks ago is somehow still inside me alive. Thursday I am due for an assisted “controlled” miscarriage since my body seems not to want to dispose of it naturally. Even my body knows how wrong this is. To have to go into this procedure by myself…intensifies my pain and my hurt times a million.

I don’t know how I am functioning; I’d venture to say it’s been my prayers and the prayers of my mother and company. I just want to give myself relief…but I know if I were to end my life the suffering of my children and those who love me would be beyond what I could live with in my last moments. Tomorrow I have therapy; I will beg for drugs…copious amounts…and pray they take pity on me and acquiesce.

 

RIP Jordan Miracle Young 8~25~14. We loved you while we had you.

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