I gotta admit I find myself increasingly overwhelmed at the thought of this move in 2 weeks; but in the same time I am excited and yearning for it. I definitely need a change of scenery. Philly has been my home for 10 years and I basically grew up here. I became an adult here. I changed my life when all the odds were stacked against me and I owe a lot of that to my residency here in Philly. There will always be a special place in my heart for Philly….for reasons stated and unstated. Sometimes a gal has got to keep somethings for herself ;-).
Upward and onward though. I’m considering everything right now a new lease on life….including this pregnancy. I will be 6 weeks tomorrow. It’s been a terrifying emotional roller coaster for me especially when I still feel consumed with the thought of my previous loss. It is so hard to get attached to what’s growing inside me right now…but just as hard not to. The whole idea of hope is one concept that is lost on me…I’m not sure I know how to be hopeful…but I’m sure that’s the depression talking and I sure am trying my hardest.
I have no idea what my future holds for me…but I’d like to believe that getting better is in it. Trying to figure out how to salvage my spiritual relationship with God is something else that weighs on my conscious heavily…and I suppose it would when I was raised by such a devout Christian woman.
My head is all over the place these days and I attribute a lot of my emotional swaying and upset to the fact that these hormones are raging thru my body…but I guess for now I just have to settle on the idea that at the moment…life is good…..