It’s clearly too early in the morning to be….emotional. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or simply just me being me in my melancholy state….but I don’t know…I find myself contemplating a lot of things right now…
I’ve been feeling…down…incomplete…like…I’ve wasted a lifetime doing nothing. I look back at some of my greatest accomplishments and the only thing that seems to come to mind is birthing my children. I get that I can’t go back in time and change my choices but dammit if I could I would.
I would not have dropped out my Sr. year…I would not have fooled around with my daughter’s dad which subsequently got me pregnant at 17. I would have taken depression and therapy way more seriously…maybe I would be a different person than who I am now. And recently I’ve received an influx of messages on my social media from people who look at me and see someone…worthy. Thank you’s and positive vibes about how I inspire them. And I look at myself and think… “REALLY?” I guess that makes me feel good…I guess I’m glad that my pain isn’t in vain…that maybe sharing my story and who I am will help someone else.
But everybody isn’t so kind. Sometimes there are a few trolls who don’t have nice things to say…whether it be about my hair or my weight…mostly my weight. Being fat seems to really offend the fuck outta some people. Most times it doesn’t get to me…but today it did. And in that moment I felt like I let them win. And I am disappointed in myself. I should know better….the world has been cruel to me for a long time…since I was a child…why should I expect it to be any different just because I am an adult?
It made me sad today…and I hate that I let something so little and insignificant get to me.
I am going to treat myself to the nail salon and try and put on a smile. I wanna feel good…now matter how fleeting it may be.
In other news; watched this awesome movie last night by Lars Von Trier entitled Melancholia. Totally dug the artistic expression of depression. Beautiful imagery.