….Either that or my life is definitely made for a Lifetime movie. I wanna get all theatrical and shit…and verbose but really…bottom line is I have found myself pregnant…again.
Most people would be excited…and jumping up and down with joy…and so over filled with excitement they can barely contain it…but not me. Don’t get me wrong….I wanna be…but on the heels of a miscarriage that devastated me mentally and emotionally just 4 months ago…I am anything but excited.
Some more accurate adjectives might include but are not limited to: terrified, afraid, nervous, anxious, grim, melancholy with a tinge of the possibility of happiness.
I found out on a Sunday….Father’s Day no less…in a rest stop bathroom at the Vince Lombardi stop right before George Washington Bridge… as I straddled a Burger King cup and balanced myself so that my butt cheeks hovered slightly over the public toilet I kept thinking to myself …. you’re just paranoid… you’re period isn’t due until Tuesday… as it turns out this whole women’s intuition and mother thing is way more efficient than I believed.
And ever since then it’s been a whirlwind…and it’s only been 3 days. I managed to squeeze myself into a Health Center on Tuesday after unsuccessfully trying to schedule with my high risk OB because as the universe would have it my insurance is inactive. *Insert bells and whistles here*
I was then transferred to another division within my OB practice that worked with poor insuranceless people like me and they said all the right things like social worker…medicaid…free prenatal…except we can’t see you until August. And that’d be ok if I didn’t just lose like…the 10th fucking fetal sac in my life time…. and that’d be ok if I hadn’t been told next pregnancy I should be seen ASAP for blood testing and possible progesterone shots. When I explained this to the woman she shrugged thru the phone ( I just know it) and in a pseudo compassionate voice that left a lot to be desired basically told me good luck. FUCK HELEN O’DICKENS CENTER OF PHILADELPHIA .
After crying hysterically and getting myself together I made the most of Google and was able to get my foot in the door at a walk in clinic no less. I was seen on a Tuesday…scheduled for next week only to be called today and told by the social worker that the Prenatal Coordinator thought it’d be best that I come in tomorrow. Can I just say it felt good as shit to feel like someone gave a fuck. Because the agony that I’ve been feeling…wondering…worrying how long before I was miscarrying again…or hearing bad news again…it’s been a bit much for the last 72 hours.
And grant it I’m still feeling a lot of angst…and I’m still worried shitless….but I feel like things are moving in the right direction. I can’t see myself getting excited until I am safely outta my first trimester….
In the mean time I’ve been doing Yoga…just found an awesome 1st trimester vid on youtube here:
If I can just remain calm….that’d be awesome. Amazing even.