Today…this morning since the day hasn’t even REALLY begun…began like it wasn’t gonna be a good one. I woke up at 5:30 and could not will myself back to sleep…and then the tears began. And many of my days start like this…like the thought of existing sometimes is simply too much to bear.
I cried it out quietly and even attempted to pray. Instead of wallowing…I proceeded to clean and mop the kitchen and think of all the positive things that are occurring in my life. I’m less than a month away from my move to Georgia…my cookout is this weekend…I feel like my writing has been moving along slowly despite these depressive episodes… in short I’m attempting this “glass half full” mentality. Eh. Rome was not built in a day no?
I find my head and heart swarming with all of the worries of parenthood and life…and I am trying so desperately not to sink beneath the weight of responsibility. Here I am thinking that life is so bad…but there’s always someone else somewhere else who is struggling substantially harder than me. Doing the most to avoid these self pity parties because I never wanna get so lost in my own shit that reality becomes obsolete.
I can’t expect miracles. I can’t expect perfection. Everyday will not be golden (sorry Jill Scott). I can however, try. I can accept my flaws. I can work on them. I can get up every day and give life effort. I can love me. I can love my kids enough to want to love me. I can appreciate the moments that are good no matter how few and far between they maybe. These are my affirmations.