On days like this I find myself disappointed in me for not being stronger. I woke with a sullied heart and and the absurd notion that maybe it’d be better if I didn’t wake at all. My pillows kept me wrapped in a constant hug and my tangled sheets prohibited me from leaving the comfort of my worn down mattress. My head was woozy and I feel as if I had been drugged. If only I had been so lucky.
I know that I’m wallowing…but I just can’t seem to help myself. Everything feels like a task…from getting up…to eating…to spending time with the kids and even my friends. I want to shut the world out and grant myself some kind of relief. I keep taking these meds…popping these pills and hoping for the change to come. My art is at an all time low. Creatively I am nowhere. I can’t find the words to pen my perfect piece…and I’m drowning in monotony…suffocating from the firm grasp life has on my throat.
I’ve dreamed a million dreamless dreams between last night and this very moment. I don’t remember them. I always wake though with clenched teeth and tears dried in my eyes. Tis a sad thing when even sleep has been wreaked havoc by my emotional distress. I had to force myself to sit down and write today…it’s the only thing that helps me sort my thoughts as of late.
I am lost today.