I keep starting my day thinking that it will be different and be better than the day before was. I find myself sorely disappointed more often than not when it does not occur. My physical pain has only been driving my depression over the edge. It’s a hard task to manage a smile when one’s body betrays their every movement and step.
Today I felt me lose it a bit after repeating myself one too many time to the kids. Mid sobbing session I had to calm myself down or else I might have ran away from home today. In those moments I feel like a parental failure. Parents should be patient and nurturing… but most days my patience reserve is on low. Hell I don’t even have patience for my thought process half the time.
But I keep seeing their faces and thinking to myself how much more they deserve than what I can muster most days. I keep popping these meds waiting for the miracle to occur. The stability that is promised…the even keeled sensation that is to kick in…eventually. Of course side effects show up way more expediently than the positive effects. No pain no gain I suppose.
My anxiety hovers between 7-10 most days…which means a lot of time is spent ducking into my bedroom to cry and hyperventilate. I have found that I’m being more open with the people in my life about my depression and anxiety and mood swings. They often look at me in incredulous disbelief and say things like “I would have never known…” But there are a few who notice just enough and say “I notice your vibe/energy is off today…” And I gotta tell you… I love them more when they don’t try to fix me or offer their unsolicited advice. I love it most when they just sit with me and let me be me…whoever I might be at the moment.
And when I must wall myself off from the world…when I do resurface…those same empathetic folk are waiting for me with a smile…a glass of something sweet and bubbly and their acceptance. Or my children…with their smiles..hugs…kisses and showering of adoration.
That’s the kinda thing that helps remind me of just how much I’m worth.