I don’t know if it’s the drugs…but I feel pretty decent at the moment. I’m calm at the moment…relishing in recent accomplishments…enjoying the moment of just being alive. Moments like these come way too few and far between; so when they occur I most definitely gotta run with it. I’m sitting here watching my kids do their home schooling and there is a sense of pride that seems to envelope my spirit right now.
Of all the things I’ve ever done in my lifetime…producing the two of them has been my greatest accomplishment yet. No matter the circumstances that brought them about…no matter my resentment I experience towards myself for my choices in the past…no matter the struggles…the hardships…the emotional distress and mental anguish…they are the absolute definite positives in my life. They possess a resiliency I could only hope to attain one day. They remind me that there is still good and purpose in the world…they represent an absolution of my sins…even if they are a result of my own.
And I don’t know…looking over at them fondly right now has given me a sense of something that I haven’t felt in a long time…and I just gotta revel in that.
Today I have a conference call with a publishing company about turning one of my old blogs into a book series. As I sat yesterday and completed transferring the first book from the blog to word format…something occurred to me. I had done it. I had finally done it. I had completed a story…a book…and I was taking the steps needed to publish it. That’s a far cry from the 8 year old author I was once was with fantasies of grandeur about being a published author one day.
I am trying to hold onto these good feelings that seem to be breaking the skin of my depression. I can only hope this is the twinklings…the beginnings of a positive turnaround. I am almost to nervous to enjoy it; for fear what might be lying just on the other side of my enjoyment. That is the root of the battle of this depression thing. Believing in my own right to be happy.
For the moment…I’m winning.