Be

It’s been days since I’ve written anything creatively. I find myself jotting random thoughts down in my journal…but nothing worthy of posting to my poetry blog. I hate when I am adjusting to meds…it feels like imaginary hands have wrapped themselves around my artistic throat and have begun asphyxiating my creativity.

For anyone who has the innate artistic drive; you can fathom how painful this really is. Writing, as I’ve stated many times before, has always been my outlet and my lifeline. Not being able to produce a single piece of poetry or prose or narrative leaves me feeling…empty. Everything feels…shrouded in cloudiness right now. As the weather breaks I can only hope that my mood will. I don’t know why this episode seems so much more…abysmal….much more morbid than any other episode…or at least any episode I’ve had in awhile.

There’s far more distractions this time…the amount of time I have with my children since I’m homeschooling them…definitely creates a different layer to my life than in previous episodes of lows. There’s apart of me that knows I need to reconcile myself with God…to rebuild my relationship with him…but I feel so bogged down by the mire that is all of my sin… some days I hardly think God has much he wants to do for me. I know that guilt has always been my undoing. One more thing for me to resolve…but that’s nothing a therapist can do for me…

Each time I can manage to hangout with my friends….they notice the difference in my mood. My general jovial disposition is…muted… I feel like a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer when I’m around…so much so I’m forcing my laughter and forcing myself to engage just to try and maintain some type of normalcy in my life. My husband often says that there’s no such thing as normal…not in this day in age…what is the norm has shifted…so maybe I am normal..maybe mental illness is the new norm and I’m not nearly as strange as I think that I am.

When I think about my truths…whether I say them out loud or not… I can’t bring myself to believe that this has to be me for the rest of my life… I am in a place of trying to figure out how to change that… Until I arrive at that destination of an answer though…this is it for me… long days…longer nights…and a nagging desire to just be….

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