There’s No Village…

I’m in such a weird space today I decided not to give what I write much thought; just gonna vent and see what comes of it. I woke up with a raging stomach ache and headache due to the mixing of my liquors last night. It’s been a struggle today to find my center and my good mood and I’m not really sure why.

I’ve been getting more involved in the kids homeschooling…and making sure I’m supervising well and staying on top of technical support issues and tests and grades etc. It takes a lot more than many people probably think to teach children. I tip my hat to the teachers in the public school system who have 40 kids to tend to at a time with varying degrees of learning ability. My biggest frustration stems from my lil guy…my son.

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He’s bright, energetic, smart and above all else sweet as pie. However, I can’t ignore his behaviors with his inability to seem to sit thru any assignment without constant redirection. I’m almost certain once I take him for his evaluation they’re going to tell me ADHD…and that worries me only because these days doctors want to shove pills into kids. This is pulling me in opposite directions…on one hand…I know what life is like with or without the meds….at 29 I have the understanding that I absolutely need them…and the idea of my son needing that type of dependency worries me so.

I’m sure I’m being over anxious and worrisome…but I do think I’ve cursed my kids with my various mental health issues. He’s only 5; will be 6 in July. Maybe it’s too soon for them to want to prescribe meds…but something certainly has to be done… I find myself with very little patience…and it’s not fair to him or his sister. My struggle with my own issues certainly is more cause for this anxiety than his behaviors. And that’s the crux…can I REALLY TRULY be a successful parent if I am constantly having to worry about my own shit? Where does that leave room for them? My ability to balance both has become more and more difficult.

My lovely daughter is giving me her own brand of shenanigans…

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She’ll be 11 just next month. She’s also bright…smart..energetic…sweet as pie but has a mouth and attitude just like her mother. Not to mention she does NOT seem to comprehend the most simple instructions. I’ll tell her to clean her room and she will do everything BUT clean her room THEN give me these LOOOOOOOONG drawn out explanations of why she did A,B & C and NOT what I told her to do. I’m sure a lot of this is normal kid stuff…I know I did a lot of dumb stuff when I was a kid… but combine that with my irritability and my lack of mental stability to a degree….parenting seems like a HUGE struggle in a much more exacerbated manner.

My kids mean so much to me and all I want is the best for them. It scares me to think that maybe I can’t give them the best because of my current situation. I know I have a partner and help…but a lot of me still operates with the mentality of “single mom” and I put all of this pressure on myself to perform to some standard I’ve set…and when I feel like I fall short (which I often feel)…I’m never really sure if I have fallen short or if this is just my imagination. Sigh.

I keep telling myself that this will get better and we will be better and they will turn out to be great. But telling myself something and believing in it…is quite the contrast.

Meh.

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