I’ve made myself a cup of strong strong coffee. After a can of 211 Steel Reserve, a duloxetine and few ibuprofen, plus something of a more organic variety; I plum put myself in a coma last night. It was welcomed. These last few days my erratic sleep has made for foul mornings and irritable days. A day or so ago I received some of the most horrific news….lost some people very dear to me. What has ensued is a bunch of anxiety about mortality…my own…and the mortality of those around me.
I know shouldn’t be this morbid…bad things happen…that’s a given…death happens in life…that’s inevitable… but per usual…something happens and I can’t keep my brain from going into overdrive. And here I was grieving over the loss of a pregnancy only to turn around a have a dear friend lose her mother, father and sister all in one shot. Life…life is not always a pleasant person to be around. In fact…I’d go so far as to say these days I have not been fond of life and all that she has to deliver.
I’ve been so desperately trying to get my life to slow down…but it feels like the more I dig my heels in to give myself pause…the faster life seems to want to speed up in it’s shenanigans. My heart feels like it cannot take one more bit of disappointment. In the midst of all of my emotional upset; someone from my past has decided now would be the prime time to resurface in my life again. I am guarded. Being that I recognize my insatiable appetite for all things tragic; I’m beyond hesitant to even open that door. I often wonder why the folks who did me the dirtiest seem to find themselves seeking retribution and redemption from me?
I am emotionally inept right now…not capable of processing the ebb and flow of my constantly changing emotions. I don’t seek any closure at this time…I only seek peace of mind. These days I’ve learned that closure is obsolete and often leaves me yearning for an alternate truth. This time I want to retreat to the safety of not knowing and not acknowledging. Ignorance is bliss after all…