Late Night Early Morning Dissertations

It’s well past 1 AM yet I’m wide awake. I suspect that has something to do with the fact that I slept all day. The past few days it would seem my mind and my body have different ideas about what’s good for me and when it’s an appropriate time of the day for me to rest easy. To be fair to my mind though, I’ve been filled with quite a bit of anxiety lately.

I find myself lost in thought through out the day; thinking about things and trying to decide whether or not I’m as crazy as I feel or if this emotional upset or disruption in my life is just…normal…apart of the regular growing pains. I think I’ve had an obsession lately with the the notion of love. As far as I’ve always known…love has been…an elusive emotion the entirety of my life. An emotion that from what I’ve been taught was to incite an almost euphoric feeling…a feeling of certainty…a feeling of strength and even security. However, in my experience, it hasn’t always been that.

Love has introduced me to some of the most magnificent pain I’d ever chance to know. Love has left me vulnerable, uncertain, exposed, confused, jealous, angry, sad; all of the things love is not supposed to feel like. So my question is; am I doing it wrong? Am I just choosing to love the wrong people? Do I not have an accurate perception of what love is? I always imagined that with love would come unwavering faith…but these days I find my faith shaken & stirred.

I no longer feel sure about the power of my love. I no longer know that I believe I am capable of that storybook or biblical love. Love requires…selflessness….an ability to sacrifice and put the needs of others before my own. I do that…often…but I have to admit it does not come without the price of it sometimes being done so begrudgingly. I wonder if my disconnect…or my ideologies on love stem from the fact I never witnessed it up close growing up.

My mother…she loved…and it left her a shell of a woman… it did not strengthen her…it did not make her flourish…it weakened and killed her a little bit at a time…and it wasn’t the supposed love my father had for her that caused that; rather it was her love of him. An emotion that can give way to so much pain feels like quite the contradiction from everything we’re taught to believe that it is.

I find myself…loving all of the wrong things…loving all of the wrong people…often to my own detriment. I don’t know if I’m just so used to chaos I’ve tricked myself into believing that some of the most volatile people in my life are worth my love and I can somehow save them; or if what I feel so strongly really is love. I imagined that to be a person so full of love; I’d be far more happier and at a peace.

“I bit off more than I can chew…and now I’m starving.”

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