Ghosts of Sanity’s Past

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Feeling like today is a day to revel in the things I have accomplished. What may not seem like much to a person who does not struggle with mental health; seems like a milestone for someone who does. It’s been a hard few weeks for me, I keep trying to figure out why my depression seems to be at an all new low…and then I remember just a week ago I had to let go of my baby.

I’ve been surviving and getting by by not thinking about it…or at least trying not to think about it. It’s felt easier than allowing myself to feel sad about the loss of a child I’d never laid eyes on besides a sonogram. There’s an amount of anger that resonates…a sadness…an aching…but I don’t know who I’m mad at. God? I think so…but the concept of God as it has been taught to me makes it harder to blame him..it makes me feel guilty. Myself? Maybe. Maybe because I’m fat…or because I’ve smoked a few blunts in my life…or those few drinks I had before I knew I was pregnant. The reality is…who knows?

I experience these bouts of tears sporadically throughout the day that serve as a reminder of the sadness that has settled in pit of my gut. And I am trying to remain active with my children because why should they suffer because mommy is? Therapy on Friday; med management at the end of the month. It would seem all my ducks are in row…but I can’t help but feel…empty. I want this gnawing feeling of emptiness to go away because it’s not as if I don’t have things to be thankful for.

So my goal is to daily acknowledge the positives aspects of my day even if it is as simple as having a hot shower. I’ve got to stop focusing all of my energy on negative shit. I need to allow myself to feel moments of happiness even in the midst of whatever tribulations. I guilt myself out of enjoying the moment all the time. I dictate to myself how I should be allowed to experience emotion; like I have any control. It’s a little nasty habit I’ve learned to admit about myself. I’d like my smiles and my laughter to stop being fraudulent.

It’s one hell of a step in my book. Mission accomplished for the day.

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